Forgive me
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: In order to become that powerful, what did Yuuko have to do in order to get there?


**fandom - XXXHolic**  
 **title - Forgive me.**  
 **pairing - Yuuko + Watanuki, Yuuko + girl**  
 **rating - pg**  
 **description - In order to become that powerful, what did Yuuko have to do in order to get there?**

 **Disclaimer – XXXHolic isn't mine.**

No one really knows me.  
How much I want to tear myself apart  
because I don't know what to do  
about this love.

I tried to be polite,  
to play a card where I was scared,  
but if you only knew,  
I want to  
rip your clothes open,  
kiss you until you cannot breathe,  
make love to you  
until you cannot get up from the bed.

I didn't understand that manga  
until I truly fell in love  
with someone who loved me back.  
It was much harder  
than unrequited love.  
Having someone within reach  
and not having someone without an option to reach out,  
either is filled with its own  
Agony and joy.

I cannot tell you.  
I cannot tell anyone how ridiculous  
this appears  
and yet, these are  
my honest feelings.

To give yourself and wanting to become more,  
knowing it will never satisfy what you want to give,  
Is this insanity ever going to make sense  
since it is nothing but my own?  
Yet, I don't want it to end.

Submerge further,  
I swim into unknown territory.

I cry and I am going crazy.  
Let me keep this to myself.  
My ideal love…  
It is here.

I am trying to be strong,  
but I am afraid to face  
how fragile I really am.

 **Forgive me.  
By miyamoto yui  
**

"No, thank you. I-I don't want to go inside." The girl shook her head at me as I urged her to come with me while tugging on her white long-sleeves softly.  
The sweat was rolling off the tip of my nose as I looked at the girl's troubled face. I hadn't noticed while walking with her, but why was she wearing this in the middle of summer especially since the red was bleeding through-

"Watanuki." Yuuko's sharp voice hit my heart like a sharp dart at its target, resonating silently. Her usual light-hearted, sardonic tone had vanished. This was odd indeed.  
I couldn't see her because my back was facing her.

I suddenly stopped tugging the girl when I saw the girl's shocked face. Her sakura-colored lips slightly parted as if to say something and then her eyes blinked slowly as if taking in a pretty, yet horrific sight in front of them. I could hear her breathe in slowly, but wouldn't let any air out of her slender body.

RIP!

A piece of the cuff of my black uniform tore off and the girl immediately picked it up. Then, she took one last glance at Yuuko and ran away as fast as he could. She didn't turn around.  
I watched her retreating figure and then turned my eyes to look at Yuuko. Yuuko, who was usually very stoic about anyone and anything because she usually instigated strange things to happen, held a concerned expression.

Her eyes traced the girl's movements though she was just looking at the wall that surrounded her home. "Sekisetsu…?"

All in one brief second, I'd never heard Yuuko's voice sound desperate before. And when I walked up next to her, I asked, "Do you know that girl?"

Yuuko turned around and stepped forward so I couldn't see her face again.  
"No. Not now."

 ***/*/*/***

Wash, wash.  
I washed the dishes as the cicadas played their incessant songs in high-pitched violin notes. After a while, they meshed together becoming louder and louder. Yet, they were so distant in my mind.  
I stopped for a moment to wipe the sweat from my forehead.

Things were quiet today.

Usually, Yuuko would be boisterous enough to laugh her head off with sake while talking to Mokona about whatever they ever 'talked' about. Then, she would impatiently walk over the kitchen to ask me for a second bottle.

I continued to wash the dishes, but I sighed. I really had gotten used to her shouting for me or making fun of me that the cicadas, who were usually very soothing (and which I envied sometimes since they didn't have to be constantly hassled by Yuuko), became quite annoying. I didn't want to hear them tonight.

"What gives?" I sighed.

And since when had my thoughts been filled with nothing but her?

"Argh! I've got to do something," I scolded myself. Then, I wiped my hands and went to the refrigerator to take out a bag of mangos, small sago balls, and coconuts. I laid them all on the kitchen table.  
Then, I turned around to take out a pot to boil water. When the water was boiling, I put the small sago balls inside.

I took my hand off the handle and looked at the doorway wondering when she would ask for seconds. It was then that Maru and Moro popped in and giggled to one another.  
"Watanuki's spacing out!" Maru said while putting her hand over her mouth like a kindergartner.  
"Spacing out!" Moro chimed in.

"I was just-" I was about to say I was thinking of Yuuko, but then I stopped myself.

Looking at one another, they closed their eyes and smiled widely. They leaned forward a bit towards one another with their hands intertwined. "Hee."  
Then, they ran over to me and tugged on my apron, looking up at me with mischievous eyes. "You're thinking of Yuuko!" Moro shouted happily.  
"Thinking of Yuuko~!" Maru repeated.

"I…wasn't! I was thinking of how long it would take before I could leave!" I denied.

But then they stopped tugging and shook their heads.  
"Watanuki isn't honest." Moro pouted and so did Maru when she said, "No, he isn't!"

I sighed and I squatted, at a loss on what to say or think. "Why are you here?"  
"There is someone at the front, but Yuuko and Mokona are passed out."

My eyes were bulging from their sockets. "Excuse me? Did you just say they were-"  
"Go out and meet the guest! But they can't come in!" they both said while pushing me towards the front.  
"After half an hour, turn off whatever's boiling and then leave it alone okay?"  
"'Kay~!" they both responded as they pushed me out into the garden.

I walked outside the gate with my apron. It was about nine o'clock at night. Who would come out here this late? Then again, this was Yuuko's place.  
Wishes have no sense of time or place.

Sometimes, not even for the people they're made for.

"Oh!" A girl gasped.  
As I came closer to her, I recognized her from earlier. After all, she was the only one with white long sleeves in the dead of summer. Not to mention also that she had a simple blue dress with white stripes and tights with small boots.  
"I'm sorry I was so rude earlier," she said in a slightly deep voice that didn't fit her very feminine appearance. "I just wanted to see the house again."  
"But you said you didn't want to go in."  
"I can't go in."  
"Huh?" But then, I pushed that thought aside as I touched her forearms and said, "Are you okay now?"  
She laughed. "You're a strange boy. Thanks for your concern, but I just needed a little blood for my paint."  
"You need blood?" I gave her a surprised expression.  
"When you need to make something from the bottom of your soul, you need to use as many mediums close to the heart of your creation."

I nodded my head, a bit confused. After all, I had seen her cut her left wrist while painting in a secluded area of some park I passed by in the afternoon. It was a different way to Yuuko's house.

The girl smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder. "I think I can go now."  
More confused than ever, I said, "Tell me, why can't you go into this house?"  
"Grandmother said I can go on the edge, but never inside. I don't know why either."  
"So, you've been here before?"  
"I walk by here everyday to catch a glimpse of the beautiful woman inside. She only comes out once in a while though." Her eyes gave a hopeful glimpse at the front door.  
"Yuuko-san?"  
The girl's face lit up. "Is that her name? It's pretty!"

However, the girl's expression was not one that showed fascination, but admiration for Yuuko, whose name she didn't even know.

"Why would you want to look at Yuuko-san?"  
"I don't know why. She always has a lonely expression whenever I see her, but when she's with you, she laughs. Except, it was different than that one time she took out a butterfly's corpse inside a silver case with a glass cover."  
"Different?"  
"Her face became soft and she smiled without having to guard her feelings."  
"When was this?"  
"She came out into the yard to let the butterfly breath a bit. Then, it went back inside."  
"Aren't you weirded out by the things you see here?"  
The girl shook her head. "No. I'm used to it with Grandmother."

The more I looked at her, the more she reminded me of someone but it was hazy…

"Your grandmother?"  
"The woman you work for is the one that inherited my Grandmother's position."  
"Inherited…?!"

It was then that girl touched my face with both of her cold hands. "I just needed to know that that woman was okay."  
The girl's face became more relieved as she looked into my eyes. I was turning red from her light, yet very sweet and innocent aura.

"Why would you be concerned for her?"

"If I tell you, then I cannot come here anymore." Her face immediately suddenly became shadowed and tears were on the ground.  
When she looked up, the moon hit her face and her face looked so heartbroken. Then, she let go of my face and ran away again, wiping her face along the way.

By the time I went into the house, the sago balls were done. I thanked the two and asked them to put a little table next to Yuuko, who was now, as I was told, drinking again but at the veranda.  
I put the sago balls into a cup and poured some coconut juice. Then, I cut up some of the mangos and put them on top. Finished, I walked down the hall to give it to Yuuko.

If there was anything that made Yuuko happy besides drinking, it had to be food.

"Mangos~!" Yuuko cried happily as she shoved me out of the way while pulling the cup towards her. "How did you know that's what I needed?"  
Then, she looked at the dessert and at me. She put her arm around my shoulders and pulled my head to rest on her left shoulder. "I'll have to give you away someday too, you know."

"What did you just-" I was about to ask when she almost strangled me and tried to eat her dessert at the same time. She smiled widely and said how deliciously sweet the dessert was. I was proud of myself because she rarely complimented me without a side comment behind it.

She wouldn't let go of me. I could smell the sake on her breath as I looked up to her face. She'd never tried to hug me before.

In fact, she never let anyone touch her except Mokona.

"Prepare an extra futon. You'll be staying here tonight after you bring some of this mango drink to someone. I'm sure it will be okay."

She let go of me and looked into my face. In that instant, I wondered about what that girl said to me and got up without a word.

 ***/*/*/***

When I went to the address with a little package wrapped in black silk and small silver butterflies, I knocked on the door even though the light was not on. I wondered if it was all right, but there was no way that I was going to go back to Yuuko's without doing as she wanted. I'd be penalized in some way. And that was much worse than being rude to a complete stranger. At lease I could _predict_ what a stranger would do. ^^;;;  
The lamp in front of the blue-tiled house lit up. An old woman answered the door and opened the screen door. She gave me a tender smile. "I've been expecting you. I will take your package and give it to Seki-chan."  
The grandma nodded her head with a kitsune type of expression. It was pure yet very smiley. But like the moon, there was that underlying shadow.  
Still, I couldn't help but smile back though.

"Please tell Yuuko-san thank you, but also say not to spoil Seki-chan." Then, as the old woman turned around, her voice became a bit dark. "She's not allowed to."

Then, the old woman bowed her head in thanks again and closed the door along with the light. I slowly walked out with a creepier feeling than when spirits chased after me. The woman's tone tickled my spinal cord in a very scary way.

I hurried back to Yuuko's, but by the time I got back, my head was swimming. I didn't know what was going on but I had heard too many things today. Then again, it wasn't the first time I was ever in the dark about things.  
I just didn't like being in the middle as if I was supposed to know.

I sat next to Yuuko on the veranda as she took up her pipe to smoke. "Did she enjoy the dessert?"  
"I don't know, but her grandma said…" I explained to her what that old lady had said.

Yuuko dumped her pipe and put it to one side. She laid down and continued to stare at the moon. "Sou ka na~…" was all that she could say to me as she sighed.

"That girl from earlier? She came here."  
"I know."  
"But weren't you sleeping?"  
"I have to be. She takes a lot of my energy."  
"That doesn't make sense. You're very powerful…and that girl didn't even know your name until I told her."

Yuuko gave a mocking laugh. "Who knows my real name anyway?"  
That stung inside of me.  
"Only that old woman knows my real name."

"WHAT?! SHE'S the-"

Yuuko shook her head. "Let me ask you a question. Have you ever wanted someone or something to the point of passionate obsession? To the point, that even if it was pure, it became so extreme you'd make a wish you weren't supposed to make? "  
"That doesn't make sense. If you love something that much, wouldn't you want a wish?"  
"Rarely, in this materialistic world we live in, there are some things and people that do not need a wish."

I looked down at my lap and at my hands. I took off my glasses and cleaned them with the end of my shirt. I was also developing a headache.

"Watanuki, I've lived in many places before I came here. And I'll continue to move because that is what I am. This is my fate." She closed her eyes. "You say I am powerful, but as I've taught you, there is always an equivalent."

I watched her carefully and studied her features under the night sky. She seemed to bloom like a lotus flower.

"A long time ago, someone came here with a wish that I made for them."  
"That doesn't make sense."  
"All things that live have feelings. Even I, because it was the first wish I had to grant, was a little excited to take this wish. It was my exam in order to become what I am now."  
"And what did that person wish for?"  
"To stop an obsession."  
"Is that even possible?"  
"This person was so obsessed over their lover to the point they couldn't control themselves. She couldn't function normally in everyday life anymore."  
"What did you do?"  
"I granted it."  
"So, what happened to that person?"

Yuuko got up and began to drink and drink. Mokona sat in her lap and let out 'paa paa' sounds from satisfaction.  
After a long silence, Yuuko finally answered with a burdened face, "I had to erase all her memories and put them into sealed containers. Over and over, that person never forgave me because…

…it wasn't a wish they asked for. I made it for them even though I wasn't supposed to."

I wanted to touch her hair or her hand to take away that pained expression away. When had the eclipse happened to show me this Yuuko who was not the arrogant space-time witch, but a human caught up in her own possessive emotions?

I got up to get her more mango dessert.

 ***/*/*/***

Early the next day, there was a fog in front of Yuuko's house, but there was that girl again!  
She smiled happily to greet me. "Ohaiyo gozaimasu!"  
"Ohaiyo gozaimasu!" I said with a grin, trying appear awake and not distressed.  
"I came here to give this as a thank you gift." The girl took out a small rectangular. When she turned it over, it was a mini canvas. There was a portrait of Yuuko, but in lighter colored clothes. Her profile had a nostalgic smile as her eyes looked down at her open palms, which had small silver butterflies. The red of her clothes…that was the blood. The sky was blue and the ocean touched Yuuko's feet.

It was simply amazing.

Slowly, I looked up to see the girl have a troubled face again.  
"But didn't you say the last time that if you came here again, then…"  
She nodded, choked up.  
"Then why-"  
"I can't just look at her anymore. I've been coming here since I was little and the woman in this house has never changed. Everyday, I grow bigger but she is as young as she was when I first saw her. Yesterday was the first time we looked each other in the face…

…but I've loved this woman because Grandmother always talked about her to me. And you know what? It sounds funny, but it's as if she and I have always known each other. It sounds so stupid, doesn't it?

But why do I always feel an aching every time I look at her? It won't go away. No matter how many times I painted or drew her. I have a whole museum of portraits of her from every angle with clay, paper mache, newspapers…any kind of medium you can think of. Anything I can grab in my life and touch with my hands, I've made her image with it. It started as an admiration, but then nothing worked anymore.

So, I give her my best one. The one I love the most. My last creation.."

"I don't understand why you can't come in-"  
"Thank you. Please say thank you and I thank you too for listening to me. Goodbye!"

The girl named Sekisetsu walked away gracefully from my sight but I was still standing there in the fog unable to move.

 ***/*/*/***

That afternoon, as I was walking home, I saw a special report in which a seventeen-year-old girl stabbed her heart on top of a large, white canvas.  
They showed the scene without her face, but there was a sky view. The girl was on her side as if she were child clinging onto a pillow. Here, she held onto the black silk handkerchief with the silver butterflies. In back of her, in blood, were shapes of feathers extending from the point of the knife, as if they were wings about to extend.  
Underneath, there were tints of violet to outline those wings.

When I went to Yuuko's, I looked at her with horrified face, but I was too shocked to cry. The only thing I could do was give her the girl's gift.  
Yuuko touched it as if it were the most precious thing on Earth, carefully holding it as if it were a delicate glass vase.  
"The girl…she…" I started to say, but couldn't finish my sentence because the words were stuck inside my throat.  
Yuuko didn't hear me. She talked to the portrait with her thumb gently rubbing the edges. "I had to or else you would have become someone else, my Fallen Snow."

Then, Yuuko dragged me into the kitchen to take a box of beer while she grabbed a big bottle of Nigori sake. As we walked down the hall, I looked at Maru and Moro. My eyebrows knit together and then I suddenly turned to face Yuuko. "That's what the girl reminded me of! They look like that girl."

"Didn't you ever think it was funny that they couldn't go out while she couldn't come in?" Draping her arms again over my shoulders, she laughed like a drunkard with the bottle in between her hands.  
"My boy…have you ever really thought of what I've had to sacrifice in order to keep you here?"

Because of the intimate, almost seductive tone she used while whispering into my ear, I turned instantly crimson all over. My heart beat quicker by the second as I gulped to say, "Yuuko-san?"

She pushed me away and opened the bottle with her bare hands down the hall with Mokona walking after her. She started to sing a little melody that sounded like a child's:

"Murasaki, Murasaki,  
You're a butterfly with one wing.  
Murasaki, Murasaki,  
When will you and I ever see spring?"

These days, she makes me work with that bastard Doumeki more and more. I feel as if she's giving me away.  
But I have no right, don't I?

After all, she transcends time and space and even if I look for her…  
…someday, this person who shoved their feelings and lifestyle into my world will have to leave…  
I don't want to imagine life beyond that.

But you were right,  
I didn't even know your real name.

 **Owari.**

Author's note:

This was a story that suddenly popped in my head and I thought about it for a day. It became so complicated and yet I was so excited to create it. I wanted to integrate some answers and yet make some new ones because I think that is the heart of XXXHolic.

I hope that you've enjoyed it!

Love always,  
Yui

Sekisetsu – fallen snow / I tried to make this in the image of a fallen angel. XD ;_; I hope this made a little sense!

8/19/2006 8:27:41 AM – LA  
8/20/2006 12:27 AM – Tokyo


End file.
